Today is the last day I am in Perth, Western Australia, concluding my 3 years long of a journey with a lot of downs but so many ups too. so at the very least, before I leave, I would like to share to you my journey of battling through depression this year today.
One day, I came across a lyrics from a song by Aviators – Red , singing: “Let’s paint our hearts red again” and I felt like this may be the right time to come out and shatter this wall of stigma for good. Hence, the reason why I am featuring this picture, the broken heart symbolized all the things that were seemingly crumbled in my world, and in my head, that was too much for my heart to bear. My greyscale self representing myself in this journey of depression, slowly feeling more and more alive throughout again, but this time, I wanted to paint this broken heart red again as it will manifest, heal itself and then the change this greyscale reality, awaiting to turn itself into a colourful reality soon to follow.
I am quite hopeful now that this world will change into something better because it starts with how I perceived things from here on out.
For a lot of you who may not know, I have been dealing with depression for the past couples of months since at least April, it’s an ongoing and progressing stress that has been relapsing every year for a few months since my first episode at the end of grade 10, 2015 followed by a long episode at the end of grade 11 in 2016 with my first break-up. Stigmas surrounding mental illness in Asia was hardwired into my head for years straight, and after my first break-up, everyone that I tried to convey my feelings to seems disappointed in me and tired of listening to it, and I was able to catch those patterns so I guess I became more and more secluded and share less of my feelings. So it’s been hard, like really really hard, just waiting for the episode to end and it did, I got busier, focusing on other things for a good long while, then it relapsed mildly for 2-3 months and then repeated. Until this year, where everything becomes harder and harder. With lockdown and all the likes, I became even more secluded, rarely going out for a good 6 months due to somewhat of my social anxiety, but too much alone time isn’t doing anyone good either (but hey I did my parts).
For context, I have been seeing a psychiatrist about social anxiety who diagnosed me to have a mild, still functional, social anxiety. And for the first time, in my life, I failed at something that was leaving me with a huge series of tough decisions to make, my sleep schedule at the time was completely messed up too, going to bed around 3 am and waking up around 10 am for food only to fall right back into a 3 hours naps. And without a doubt, depressed mood came crawling back. I was helpless, bottling everything up inside, listening to all the other’s problems, and their problems all seem bigger than my own, so I wasn’t able to actually build up the courage to share my own story. So I thought that the same method might work this time around but it feels extra extra lonely this year, along with my messed up sleep schedule, most of my days went by without a single drop of energy to do anything. Only 21 weeks ago have I started getting serious and seeks weekly therapy. It is a group clinical trial therapy aimed to combine Hypnosis and Cognitive Based Therapy, and so far, I find that it is working very well, over to week 4, I started seeing new, positive changes with all the skills that I have accumulated. I’m publishing my weekly journal through depression in this post. so you can read it if you choose to. My treatment ended but I reached out once again to a clinical psychiatrist to see her monthly, which further address my other problems along with my self-esteem issues with social anxiety issues. So yeap, I am being very serious about getting better.
Advice: For those of you who fear that others are looking at you with weird eyes when you say you are having mental illnesses, disorders, so much that it shy you away from treatments. Well, remember that you are doing this for yourself, not for the people around you. And eventually, you will learn that they pay no mind to you as they too are dealing with their own problems. Take one baby step forward for yourself at a time, and celebrate those steps as you go. One at a time, starting with acknowledging that you have a problem. And the biggest step you can make is actually reaching out for professional help. They will design a course of treatments for you, and no, it is not treating today and tomorrow will be better kind of things, it takes weeks, months to see significant effects. But I’m happy I got to do Cognitive-based therapy as it addressed all the problems I was having which clinically intervened my depression. And of course, for those of you who are actually facing stigmas as I did, there’s no wrong in doing all of this in secret, and then when you actually got better, you can choose to come out about it or not, in my case, I did come out to my parents and to my surprise, received a huge amount of supports instead of what I think in my head. Remember, this is your story, not anyone else’s.
And here you go, you can read all about my journey below.
Diary of depression treatment session 1: wow seeing at how I am the youngest in the group kind of made me proud that I’m doing this because at much later age I might be able to help others in return after all. Interesting stuffs learned today, a trial of clinical hypnosis was quite interesting but my relaxation broke half ways so revisiting it would be necessary to see some real effects. I guess overall for session 1? I’m quite hopeful for the outcomes of how this can make me better. 
Diary of depression treatment session 2: wow that one week from the last treatments were one hell of a rollercoaster, a huge amount of tough decisions to be made and yet I’m still here, doing myself a huge favour to get better. Today was about sleep managing and the activities that was included seems to be really helpful, i was able to relaxed quite a bit
Diary of depression treatment session 3: for the first time that i look back on all the activity that i have done over the past month, i never really know i enjoyed a lot of them and all my problems, even though it’s still there, seems not as big as those enjoyments that i felt. Managed to relax a lot more during hypnosis and cognitive based therapy sure as hell is working. tackling all my bad habit one by one is so important.
Diary of depression treatment session 4: another week of pure chaos but for the first time in months, I have 2 days of pure enjoyments, no stress, no depressed mood, only pure positivities. I finally identified what’s helping me and what’s the patterns I should be fixing now and I guess acknowledging that’s it’s there is gonna help big time. Step by step I’m feeling more me and alive again.
Diary of Depression Treatment session 5: a week went by with full energy again, exercise much more, getting so many things done. And today’s session was taught on how to treat avoidance pattern and I managed to learn and think of a way to cure one of my biggest disease: Procrastination \ o /. The tricks are to step one teeny tiny steps forward, 1 second doing your project is better than 0 seconds Because I actually can get things done now, I actually feel more motivated to get more things done. Sleep quality is also a lot greater too. Also learned a lot more on how to relax now so I can sit through the clinical trial hypnosis without a single break in lines. So to those of you who are experiencing depression, cognitive-based therapy is highly recommended.
Diary of Depression Treatment session 6: I can’t believe how good that last week was, I get things done, I look forward to getting things done because I introduced a reward of some kinds at the end of the process. Unconsciously, I introduced Dungeons & Dragons gaming way of thinking into my daily life, the way of taking on a quest to get a reward, turning my boring daunting amount of tasks into an adventure to embark on. So what I did and I’m gonna share to you guys because it works for me and might be for y’all as well 
which is I wrote all tasks that I have to do down into a separate piece of the sticky notecard, and start breaking those tasks down into smaller baby steps and wrote down a reward, circling them at the end of all the steps I can break down. Each time I want to achieve a certain award which to me was gaming time, I would pick out one task on the wall where I stick them finishing them, earn my reward and it becomes interesting to do as I get the same amount of game times I usually have, but at the same time, I get things done. So it’s both fun and helpful to help with my procrastinating and I’m not ruminating on the thoughts of “why is there so much on my plates?” anymore.
Diary of depression treatment session 7: Had to make another huge change into my future plan and giving up on the fixed plan that I was clinging onto for 3 years of uni but this is for the best interest of my own sanity and my future career state. But it is decided and I will carry it out. That was pretty much last week, the rest was amazingly in general, i’m in a wonderful mood but today interestingly, I learned about a cognitive attribution style towards ambiguity. And to my surprise, one small thing like not receiving a hello back in the house that I usually neglected triggers so many different responses across the people in the room. And wow, some are normal but some to some really deep emotional levels, which makes me think of something else, i guess a philosophy, life is full of ambiguities like those, and sometimes you can’t change it at that moment, you can automatically think about it negatively or positively but others might have different views from yourself. Your tolerance towards that ambiguity might be much greater than the person who is literally right next to you, and their tolerance are pushed to their limit already, so if life is already hard enough for you don’t make it harder for other person.
Diary of depression treatment session 8: time seems to be going so much faster now that I feel more and more alive and actually not wasting my days away with just sleeping like a mess anymore. Waking up a fixed time certainly helps a lot. This week is about teaching us with a researching or evidence-based approach to support your thoughts. And interestingly, with all the thoughts pattern that I recorded, I seem to be catastrophizing things and generalising things that happen to me a lot, and finally, without realizing it, the university really had taught this scientific approach and conditioned this way of thinking into my head for a while, only this time it’s a different goal, to analyze whether my initial thoughts or generalization is true or not before drawing a conclusion. And most of it, actually write them out, it’s usually not the case, just my thoughts playing with myself and holding me back.
Diary of depression treatment session 9: Next week is the last session with this group treatment, and I’m getting a bit emotional. Anyway, I spent the whole week recording my thoughts when I encounter a task all the way till the completion of the task to see my thoughts process throughout. And as always, the first thing that came to mind is I want to avoid doing the task, procrastinating in other word but as soon as I make a start, it’s not that difficult anymore, and after a while in, brainstorming a bit more, and focusing on one interesting thing, it becomes fascinating and eventually enjoyable to do. Ticking off a bunch of things on my to-do list using the same approach of taking one task out of the house at a time repeatedly was a huge success and a huge relief for me too, as of now I can have more times to focus even more on my university works and such, so this semester, I am hopeful that things will surely turn around. This week was about problem-solving skills and when the clinician mentioned to look back on the problems that we have identified in week 1, oh my goodness, the therapy sessions have already made me addressed almost all of them. But there’s one more that I identified, it was actually a roadblock from completing the treatment, stigmas with my family/culture/myself. I was able to come up with a really cool plan set out for when I am ready to come out in October to tell my completed experience of going through this, so I will carry out my plan until then. And after ticking that off the list, I can finally say I have completed all my goals to address all the problems that I have had this year and ready with skills for whatever comes next.
Diary of depression treatment final session: That last week marked a really big milestone in this whole treatment progress of myself as I have overcome my own fear, shattered down the wall of stigmas that have been governing me my whole life: I came out to my parents about this whole treatment process. As I was prepared for denials, different responses but they would not change me in any way after all, I decided to see it through, and to my own surprise, not a single sign of rejection, both my parents were supportive, listening to me the whole way through with 0 sense of judgment. I felt a huge sense of trust towards them as this has been in my head for so long and mother was saying how much she can relate to the logic of the treatment I went through as well, going through these treatments, I also thought of mother a lot since she seems to possess all of these skills but have yet to give them a name nor strategically use them. But well, yea.. that is it, 10 weeks of the treatment program have come to a conclusive end with all (yes all) of my problems addressed, but of course this doesn’t mean that I will stop using these skills that I have accumulated over the past few months in the future. Managing and improving my mood is lifelong progress after all.
From here on, my story continues..
Diary of depression treatment 1-week post-therapy: With the skills learned, I’m still using it effectively towards getting what I needed done. The hectic sleep schedule did occur again but I managed to be back on track and again with the fixing. I had a bit of a problem concentrating and as a result 3 days were wasted on procrastinating because of this sleep problem but it’s all good now. I gave myself an extra push on day 4 to get started and got things done, 2 Things done actually, one on academics and another on creative work so I was quite proud of myself
Diary of depression treatment 2-weeks + 2 days post-therapy: sleep schedule is messed up again because of the big assignment I just finished and all the good times I am having with my friends. However, the quality of sleep is still pretty good so I guess it is a good enough balance. Nothing is piled-up or overdue for the week, I got a lot more fun stuffs done purposedly and wrote two poems this week out of my pent up emotions for months now. I was very angry in the first one but the mood in the second one shifted completely to a happy and calming one when I actually felt that spring is here in Australia. The chaos is solving itself out and again I guess peace finds its ways back. Over the last week, I noticed I didn’t handle my anger and sarcasm well towards some friends but managed to catch myself after it acting up so managed to repress it to carry a sincere apology across. I guess these are something to look forward to fixing in the coming week. Also, make sure to check on your friends and family today and treat yourself kindly today, today is World Mental Health Day after all.
Diary of depression treatment 3-weeks post-therapy: I have been getting more and more into creative works lately and actually had a lot of fun doing them. I’m finishing up a mascot for own brand and I am loving it to bits. This week, I am slowly fixing my sleep schedule again by revisiting the hypnosis recordings again to relax. Yesterday, I embarrassed myself a bit from a laboratory test in front of the professor I was trying to impress but regardless, I believe the results won’t be too bad. Had my blood test results back today, HbA1C is still in the good range, lower cholesterol, platelets are still high, and still can’t rule out thalassaemia so awaiting genetic test results back but I’m feeling healthy so far so I believe I’m doing quite alright with physical health-wise so it’s a relief.
Diary of depression treatment 4-weeks + 3-days post-therapy: sleep schedule is being slowly fixed, but naps are starting to come back except for the quality is so much better now, waking up not feeling at all groggy, but instead filled with energy to get things done. Results came back for the laboratory tests and indeed the parts that I embarrassed myself was definitely lowest but the rest of the skills, I kinda aced it ♥ so I’m happy about that, I finished up a short story in an epistolary form too “Letter to Elanyse” and this is the final week of the semester so that was incredibly tiring, I slept like a log to recover all my lost energy and I did, but it messed my sleep schedule up even further so I had to keep on fixing it. But great week nevertheless and because I learned to take more breaks, I begin to appreciate myself a little bit more every day too, and one day I will boost my self-esteem and fix my social anxiety completely.
Diary of depression treatment 5-weeks post-therapy: it’s 4 days since the last post and I was able to get my sleep back to a fixed schedule although still at a very terrible time. University works are all done and dusted for the semester, only waiting till the 5th of November for the final exam and I was completely exhausted at this point. Listened to my psychiatrist and therapist’s advice, I went for a walk almost every day to get some fresh air and also to fence off the urges to take a nap. And then this week, hit me with another wave of mixed feelings of such great magnitudes that it leaves me questioning so many things in my life, so much that I couldn’t get much done this week other than trying to find evidence to support or reject these feelings. The skills of writing my thoughts down that I learned from the therapy sure comes in handy now. I haven’t found my answers yet, but hopefully, I will at some points.
Diary of depression treatment 6-weeks post-therapy: Well I had my last final exam today, so that’s it for this Bachelor if I were to pass it all, so please do wish me luck! And my heart during this test was racing non-stop for two hours straight and cough like there’s no tomorrow but it stopped when the test is over. So i guess stress-induced asthma is a thing? But anyway, I think I did okay, after all, I really tried my best already, I’m happy with just that. I’m feeling really drained right now so I’m just gonna rest up for the next week.
Diary of depression treatment 7-weeks post-therapy: One week after the exam is over, and I’m not having a nervous breakdown, so that’s a really good improvement somewhat. I embarked on a newer journey with the gamebook I am writing and it’s been a whole lot of fun just brainstorming for it. I received compliments from my creative writing professor so that was a really heartwarming gesture. Along with that, I managed to find good enough answers to a question that has been in the back of my head for a while, good enough to not shackling my head down in overthinking and keep me functioning too. My sleep schedule is balancing itself and I have been purposely doing fun stuff to keep my head high and my mood higher. So overall, it’s been quite a meaningful weeks, 2 weeks from now i will know my grades so continue to wish me luck ♥
Diary of depression treatment 8-weeks post-therapy: Two weeks after the exam and One week till grades are released, I can already feel my anxiety lever is gonna be shot through the roof. But overall, I am in a very good mood right now, finding out a couple of ways to deal with a series of problems that I am having is always cool. The only downside this week is that I was diagnosed with a genetic disease called alpha thalassaemia, most likely from my mother but luckily it’s only in a mild state so I’m not in any risks, just a high amounts of platelets counts. And indulging myself in fun activities and creative works sure is great for the mind. I haven’t felt as stressed as I used to be, although the urges to procrastinate is still there, I am managing better.
OKAY BEFORE ANYTHING, I AM HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE THAT I’M GOING TO GRADUATE THIS DECEMBER \ O /
Diary of depression treatment 9-weeks post-therapy: god this entire week was me wrapping my head around this moment, anxiously waiting and praying and wishing any deity will bless me with good grades. And I got enough to get me into Honours Or Master in subsequent years!! Woooooo. All my problems seems to be fixed, all my sleep schedules are back to routine, all chores and works done. And I am feeling another rush of creativeness so I’m gonna be putting that to good use! I’m so excited to see where this path will lead me!
Diary of depression treatment 10-weeks post-therapy: so this marked 20 weeks since i started my depression therapy. I got to say, it’s been a huge elevation to my mood, and of course, bad things happened then and again but knowing how to cope with it is so much better now. I spent so much time this week packing up to prepare for the next step of my life and this week has my birthday and I had a good time with good friends, talking to some I haven’t even contacted in ages was total bliss. December is always a good month and I already can feel that clearly.
OFFICIALLY GRADUATED!
Diary of depression treatment 11-weeks post-therapy: all the excitement kinda just come down to this huh, all the hardworks, sleepless nights, stresses, tears, pains, all comes down to this one piece of paper that is now framed :D. This week a lot of things are starting to go towards the brighter side for me, especially the friendship side and creative outlets side, but was hindered by a lot of hiccups and curved balls with legal documents and all the likes. but hey, I graduated, that’s what matter :DD. We are closing in to the final blog post that I wish to share my complete journey on there through depression treatments and how cognitive-based therapy has personally helped me through.
Diary of depression treatment 12-weeks post-therapy: today is the last day and I am filling with emotions yet again, but at least I am happy I have weathered through until today, I was weak but then I was strong, I was scared but now I am brave. The future ahead is really scary but at least right now I am ready to take it on, I am sure that depression will get me again in the future but I am ready to forgive myself and live my life onwards from now on with all the new tools to help me through.
Here to a better future!
Trần Duy Minh (Chuu Hikari Akamine)
Life Of Chuu 